when you look around and notice there is nothing around
that everyone gives you your damned treasured distance, finally
and you offhandedly one-handedly distractedly push away
anyone who dares to cross that line
so automatic, such a slow process you don’t even notice the shell anymore
when you’re given the admiration you so richly deserved
through fear
and you realize that yes, you’ve become cool
and you realize, that yes, it doesn’t really matter because it hasn’t brought you any sort of
connections
and you realize that yes, you recognize this face, this act, this facade, this disaster
the face of someone you so hated, once upon a time,
the face of someone who broke you so badly that you never wanted to feel anything again
when you first started building this shell, this shell of cool and distance and sarcasm and quick wit
because you just wanted to survive
wanted to be just like them to push away the consequences of that first faltered leap of faith
when you open your mouth and find their words pouring out, unadulterated
so similar that even you are horrified

don’t worry
you’ve finally made it baby

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