i don’t know what’s wrong with me.
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dancing with the stars
when you look around and notice there is nothing around
that everyone gives you your damned treasured distance, finally
and you offhandedly one-handedly distractedly push away
anyone who dares to cross that line
so automatic, such a slow process you don’t even notice the shell anymore
when you’re given the admiration you so richly deserved
through fear
and you realize that yes, you’ve become cool
and you realize, that yes, it doesn’t really matter because it hasn’t brought you any sort of
connections
and you realize that yes, you recognize this face, this act, this facade, this disaster
the face of someone you so hated, once upon a time,
the face of someone who broke you so badly that you never wanted to feel anything again
when you first started building this shell, this shell of cool and distance and sarcasm and quick wit
because you just wanted to survive
wanted to be just like them to push away the consequences of that first faltered leap of faith
when you open your mouth and find their words pouring out, unadulterated
so similar that even you are horrified
don’t worry
you’ve finally made it baby
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stuff i’ve done more recently
here are some things i did that i haven’t mentioned yet:
my first watercolor that i didn’t immediately hide away in shame. i started this a year ago in class and finished it up during a power outage. i know the ravens are a little large. leave me alone.
i finished my doctor who season 18 scarf, with the best yarn i’ve ever found (now, sadly, discontinued), a while ago. it’s significantly shorter than the original pattern, but that’s due to poor planning. it’s a fine length still, because the (@#$@#%%@discontinued#@$@#%#%#@^@^) yarn stretches well.
i’ve been cutting my own hair for about a year, but this time i experimented with layers. this is a pretty recent picture, but i’m redying it tomorrow. taken by ken.
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